Late Show with David Letterman

Throughout the night, an audience woman from Brooklyn kicks footballs.

""Dropping Stuff Off the 8th Floor Window"" includes: champagne bottles, confetti, a TV monitor, presidential plates, fluorescent tubes, and bowling balls into a bathtub of pudding. The first two miss their mark; the third makes it but destroys the tub.

Dave comments on Robbie Kondor; a car alarm goes off outside the theater, so Dave goes outside and bombs the offending car; Chuck Berry sings ""Johnny B. Goode""; Zsa Zsa Gabor laments and spews profanities after discovering her car has been destroyed.

Hal Gurnee harasses taxi drivers by posting their images on the Times Square jumbotron.

An audience member gives Dave a tiny pair of pants; Gavin MacLeod pops in several times, interrupting the monologue and presenting the Top Ten.

John Popper sits in with the band; Bill Murray tours Broadway; Macaulay Culkin promotes ""Richie Rich.""

Tim Allen promotes his bestselling book, Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.

Two standby audience folks named Jenya and Gary are sent to take food to Dan Rather, courtesy of Rupert. Later, Mike Judge discusses his hit MTV show ""Beavis & Butt-head.""

Calvert goes trick-or-treating in Nutley, New Jersey (Martha Stewart's hometown); Lauren Bacall plugs ""Pret-a-Porter"" (Ready to Wear).

John Popper sits in; throughout the night, Mujibur and Sirajul appear as correspondents on Court TV; Elijah Wood plugs North.

Dave gets freshened up by a street sweeper; Rupert serves ""Bill Clinton Soup.""

Live via telephone, Jerry Lewis pronounces the new governor's name ""Puh-tack-ee;"" ""Picket Fences"" star Fyvush Finkel sings ""If I Were a Rich Man;"" The Cranberries perform ""Zombie.""

Dave selects a woman from outside named Laurie Byrd to be his co-host tonight; Biff and George Clarke recreate a scene from the hit CBS miniseries ""Scarlett.""

The outside cam reveals that Dave's picture in the window of Joe G's Pizza. Dave calls and distracts Joe while Paul steals the unflattering portrait; Jon Lovitz plugs North.

Roseanne makes a rare political statement; Dave's accountant Fred Nigro takes a bow.

Mujibur, Sirajul and Tony Randall take a photo together; tonight's celebrities in the audience: Mia Farrow, Eddie Murphy and Sharon Stone.

One of tonight's cue cards goes to a garbage truck outside; in the latest edition of ""Rupert and Me,"" Dave radios strange comments to Rupert, which are then repeated out loud to annoyed passers-by; Nicholas Turturro sings ""My Way;"" Michael Keaton gets arrested for shoplifting at Hello Deli.

Cold Opening: Jim Carrey and an unshaven Dave goof around. Later in the show, Mickey, the barber at the Wellington Hotel, shaves off Dave's beard.

Siskel and Ebert throw snowballs; Michael J. Fox walks onstage with a cow.

Bad Religion performed ""Infected""

During ""Charts and Graphs,"" Dave sends an audience member down the street for copies of a chart. Also, Dave calls the mother of a different audience member, but he ends up leaving a message on her machine.

A customer at Hello Deli shows Dave her holiday photos. Later, Dave checks his temperature (99.5 F).

Dave ends the show early yet again, and Paul finds him sobbing on the Ricki Lake show; Biff has champagne coming out of his ears; Dick Clark presents the Top Ten; Dave and Richard Simmons go harassing people door-to-door in New Jersey.

Michael Buffer announces Phil Hartman's entry onstage; a comely postal carrier distracts Dave.

Dave autographs a ham; Calvert (dressed as Newt Gingrich's mother) presents the Top Ten.

An audience member hangs out in the band section; Mujibur and Sirajul become the latest witnesses to testify for O.J. Simpson.

Al Green performs ""Let's Stay Together.""

Dave shows a (bogus) Super Bowl ad starring himself; Gerard presents ""Top Ten Signs You're Not the Sexiest Man Alive.""

Rosanne Cash performs ""I Count the Tears.""

Dave introduces the brand new ""Late Show Dancers,"" who prance around throughout the show. Also, 83-year-old Empire State Building employee Chico Chimone plays the piano.

Dave sends three members from the audience to go to a nearby movie theater to videotape some clips from Pulp Fiction. They return in time to show the footage during John Travolta's guest appearance to promote the film. Also, Mujibur and Sirajul report from yesterday's Daytona 500.

Cybill Shepherd promotes her new sitcom; Gary Sinise brags about the perks of being an Academy Award Nominee.

Wayne Newton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten; Michael McKean comments on the recent troubles on the set of ""Saturday Night Live;"" David Byrne and the CBS Orchestra perform ""You & Eye.""

Bernie Worrell sits in; Al Roker does a weather forecast; Dave retrieves a blue card from ""Forrest Gump"" (Calvert); Jeff Goldblum tap dances.

Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis. (correct synopsis)

On the first Letterman show ever aired on this date, Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, and Dave climb a ladder up to the balcony, and Luke Perry does a science experiment in place of bumped guest Lee Marek.

Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis.

Dave gives a girl in the audience named Amy money to buy spring flowers, and later her boyfriend (also in the audience) sings karaoke with Will Smith.

A woman in the audience bakes cookies for everyone; Conan O'Brien appears in Dave's latest Oscar-related dream; Dave gets his toupee dry-cleaned.

Throughout the night, Dave practices giving out Oscars, awarding achievements by Tony Randall, Doc Severinson (who's sitting in), Tony Mendez, a hi-ho girl, and Sirajul Islam (Mujibur was sick). Also, Dave chats with a man whose dog ran away, then found his pet on the opposite side of the country.

John Mayall sits in; Dave comments on his much-scrutinized performance as host of last week's Academy Awards.

Throughout the night, the legendary Ashton Family acrobats perform their greatest stunts outside on 53rd Street.

Dave spells Uma and Oprah with hot dog wieners, while Creepy Dave lurks in the backdrop during his interview with Bryant Gumbel.

At the end of tonight's ""New Books"" segment, Dave gives one of the phony manuscripts to a girl in the audience. Also, for no apparent reason, Gerard dances around onstage in a sun dress.

Two babes in the audience are observed with ""Marry Us Dave"" T-shirts; Dave, Calvert, and Biff sit around and do nothing for three minutes; Dave asks cab drivers what they thought of his performance at the Oscars.

Dave invites the stand-by audience to his office and watch the show from there. Later, they're joined by Faye Dunaway and chef Wolfgang Puck.

Throughout the night, various staffers walk onstage to give Dave ""dramatic tension,"" while Robert Pastorelli explains his departure from the hit comedy Murphy Brown.

Mayor Guiliani and Dave agree to disagree on the new slogan for the New York Tourism Board; Drew Barrymore gives Dave a birthday surprise.

The New York Daily News, having headlined their paper with last night's Guiliani-chosen slogan, distributes miniature buttons to the audience reading ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass"" commemorating the headline. Also, Bela Fleck sits in with the band on banjo.

Two days after NYC's new slogan, ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass,"" reaches beyond the Hudson, Dave hears from mayors of other cities; Slash of Guns n' Roses fame sits in; a skit involving jelly beans bursting out of Biff's ears is botched when the wiring doesn't work properly.

Live Remote: Dave annoys both an H&R Block tax accountant and his mortified customer, who prefers to hide her face.

Dave selects five guys from the audience to compete in a basketball match outside on 53rd Street with five (alleged) New York Knicks. By the end of the show, the final score is Audience 108, Knicks 107.

Dave complains that the cue-card Tony is holding is too small, so Inky replaces it with a giant banner; ten mayors of other cities present the Top Ten; a blue card is missing and soon found taped to Sandra Bullock's backside.

An audience talent show is interrupted by Helen Reddy, who pops up several times throughout the show; later, she teams up with Blues Traveler to perform ""Hook.""

Tony Randall drops by to announce who tomorrow's guests will be, and Dave squirts him with a fire extinguisher. Later, Biff Henderson and Pat Farmer carry Tony outside and into a taxi. Also, Dolly Parton presents the Top Ten.

After word spreads to the media that he's losing his ratings edge over Leno, Dave wants to find out if people are still watching the show, so he displays his desk phone number on the Times Square Jumbotron. The only people who call are CBS employees who have access to a live feed in their offices. Frustrated, Dave dips the receiver into his coffee.

In tonight's live remote, Dave annoys customers down the street at the Sam Ash music store and invites Marcia to sit in with the band on alto sax.

David Sanborn sits in yet again; various New York Yankees present the Top Ten; Dave loses a blue card, then finds it at McDonald's.

The Flying Rat is introduced on the show during a segment called ""What's New for Spring""; in the same segment a small army of clowns attack Mujibur and Sirajul, then storm the Late Show stage; Dave chats with ""Buddy, the Sleepy Lifeguard.""

Dave and Paul leave the show early to go over to Madison Square Garden for the circus, where they run into an acrobat bearing a strong resemblance to Calvert; the flying rat attacks Dan Rather, and is later seen as a guest on Nightline; Dave and Felecia waltz.

All of tonight's guests (Marilu Henner, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Mario Van Peebles) are at Rupert's playing spin the bottle. Also, the flying rat demonstrates its supremacy of the New York skyline by swallowing a giant bird whole.

The Giant Flying Rat is introduced via lasers and special effects just after being interviewed by Tom Snyder.

(Supposed) Audience requests are fulfilled in tonight's ""Who Asked For It?"" while Harry Connick Jr. promotes his new album.

Pete Fatovich attempts to kiss Paul again; the giant flying rat delivers the Top Ten list; Jake Johanssen discusses a recent trip to the supermarket.

The giant flying rat dons a sombrero; Dave leaves the show early to marry Drew Barrymore; a man gets kicked in the face by a racehorse; Dave and Paul go supermarket shopping.

Dave sends audience members Nico and Ingrid Van Eenennaan to London (to promote the show's visit next week) with a camcorder, root beer, and the Giant Flying Rat. Neither are seen or heard from again.

Jimmy Smits, a guest the night before, is seen in his hotel room naked, doing push-ups and watching TV in bed. Also, Paul quits to become a professional boxer, but he gives up and comes back to the show.

The Dutch husband and wife from last night resurface for a brief moment; Paul wears a top hat and a tuxedo; Bruce Willis gets his head scrubbed.

Paul decides to have plastic surgery, then wakes up from the procedure with a conehead; Dave shows a clip of Pakistan's #1 sitcom, ""Seinjibur""; Hugh Grant promotes Nine Months.

Calvert mimics the Giant Flying Rat; Dave comments on preparations for next week's trip to London; Julianna Marguiles promotes the much-hyped season finale of ER.

The Late Show starts its week broadcasting from London. Ten London Guards bring Dave out onstage; Dave and Paul wreck havoc in the city; Elton John reacts to William Shatner's videotaped rendition of ""Rocket Man,"" then performs ""Made in England.""

London, Day 2: The new James Bond, Remington Steele star Pierce Brosnan, enters backstage with models and martinis; Little Richard and Chuck Berry sit in; Dave's mom reports from a pub. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 3: ""London Souvenirs"" include a Prince Charles Ketchup Dispenser, a Bobby Helmet Bra, and a Tea Cannon, brought out by fake London guards. Also, Peter O'Toole enters riding a camel, and Van Morrison barely remembers the words to his own song ""Have I Told You Lately"" in a performance with Sinead O'Connor and the Chieftains. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 4: Dave and Paul play soccer (or should I say football?) at Wembley Stadium; live via satellite from New York, Tony Randall trashes the theater; John Cleese presents the Top Ten. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 5: Dave repeats a monologue joke in a British accent; Salman Rushdie hands the Top Ten to Dave, and is presented by ten bobbies; Dorothy drops by to comment on her week of sightseeing.

Cold opening: Dave belatedly thanks Drew Barrymore for her birthday ""gift"" last month. Also, Dave pays Mujibur and Sirajul to pummel Paul.

It's the debut of ""May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts?"" Dave cuts up his own slacks before shredding the pants of Paul and Mel Gibson.

Clint Black sits in; candy is thrown at the audience; the Top Ten Office is relocated to an audience member's hometown of Glenn's Falls, New York; in honor of Ringo Starr, Paul, Dave, and the audience try to recreate Beatlemania.

Dave takes a bunch of sailors to a local watering hole; Mujibur and Sirajul visit Dorothy in Indianapolis; Dave bids farewell to longtime director Hal Gurnee by placing a plaque on the control room door.

Cold Opening: Nicole Kidman asks Dave if he's drunk. Also, displayed by the window of an advertising agency across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater is a giant toothbrush and tooth; Dave invites the workers from that window to bring the items into the theater and then presents them with the Crest Pledge.

Indianapolis 500 champion Jacque Vileneuve races a NYC cab around the theater block in competition with NYC cabbie Buke Kadikiran; Dave shows (doctored) footage of Dan Rather replacing his CBS Evening News co-host Connie Chung with… Dan Rather.

Biff delivers Dave in a golf cart; Dave and an audience member named Hal help choose the network's new slogan; a pyrotechnic exhibition is held in the backdrop.

It's time for a studio audience talent show, with friends and relatives of the performers swamping the backdrop. Shortly after his interview, Mike Myers joins the crowd.

Dave tells Rupert to bother people at a local bistro with his hidden mic; Dave chats with a woman that recently won $87,000,000 in the state lottery; head CBS executives ""Les Moonves"" and ""Peter Lund"" sing Bob Seger's ""Like a Rock.""

Dave chooses a person off the street to tell their life story; the Top Ten Home Office moves to Grand Rapids, Michigan; Chris O'Donnell plugs Batman Forever.

Stephen Stills sits in; Dave ""attends"" a recent President Clinton press conference; basketball star/party animal Dennis Rodman comments on his recent antics.

Travis, a five-year-old golden retriever, has the ""Dog Cam"" attached to his head; John Turturro dresses up as Batman, then hands Dave the Top Ten list; Dan Rather talks about Connie Chung's departure from CBS, then promotes his workout video ""Old Train Songs to Sweat By.""

Dave arrives at the theater in a police car; throughout the night, spelling bee winner Justin Carroll comes out to spell various ten-cent words; Dave chats with Robert Horry of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.

Travis and the Dog Cam return; Englebert Humperdinck serenades Rupert; ten kindergarteners write and present the Top Ten.

Dave announces that this is show number 4000, but later admits he's off by a zero; John Denver performs the theme song to ""Supermarket Finds""; Alan King gloats over his grandkids.

Dave invites both a cabbie and an audience member to jump into a rooftop swimming pool. They're later joined by two NYC cops and Bob Saget.

Shortly after a ""What's New for Summer"" segment, Dave hands hamsicles (or, if you will, cold ham on a stick) to the audience. Also, ""Batman"" (Calvert) hands Dave the Top Ten list, while Tony Bennett performs ""My Love Went to London.""

Cold Opening: ""ER"" star Anthony Edwards refuses to give Dave a physical. Also, Jonathan Katz does standup and promotes Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

Dave celebrates the fifteenth anniversary of the debut of The David Letterman Show by showing clips of the first broadcast; Biff interrupts Dave so that Corey Pavin (winner of the 1995 U. S. Open) can drop by; various staffers take their moms to the Russian Tea Room.

Bernie Kopell storms out of the theater after ""The Love Boat"" is somehow mentioned twice in a Top Ten List about Hockey. Later, Dave chats with ""Coach"" star Jerry Van Dyke, while Warren Zevon performs ""Mutineer,"" a song he would later perform in his last TV appearance in 2002.

Dave invites a standby audience member to play ""Will You Eat the Meatloaf?"" Later in the show, Dave chats with Pete, the dishwasher at Hello Deli.

In an experimental comedy bit called ""Letters to the Editor,"" Dave reads a (bogus) note from Al Gore telling The New Yorker that he loves their cartoons.

Dave shows the audience an old photo of Morty with an afro, and then later shows a doctored photo of himself with a head-bush. Also, Dave helps Tom Hanks shave a beard he grew on vacation.

In a remote, Dave asks apartment dwellers, ""What's the Coolest Thing In Your Apartment?""

Jim Carrey, Andre Agassi, and Tom and Roseanne Arnold miraculously appear in the audience, Tom being both on stage and in the audience simultaneously. Also, Dave orders pancakes from the Fashion Cafe for Christy Turlington and a heavyset audience member.

Dave says hello to viewers in France and Italy in their respective native tongues; during ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" Dave demands to see photos of meat or nudity; Penn and Teller perform one of their trademark dangerous stunts.

Charles Grodin promotes his new cable talk show.

A small army of cyclists rush across the stage, while Dave and Pete Sampras play a pickup round of tennis out on 53rd Street.

After an admittedly lame remote on a ""Day In The Life"" of producer Robert Morton, he jumps into a giant bowl of pudding, followed by Dave. Later in the show, Paul, Laurie Diamond, and the members of White Zombie join in.

Dave flashes back to how he stayed cool over the weekend by stuffing popsicles in his pants; a woman who picks up one of the pay phones at the kiosk outside the theater is chosen as an honorary guest host; Alicia Silverstone promotes Clueless; Dave and Pam the phone lady switch jackets.

Dan Rather presents the Top Ten; Chevy Chase plugs Man of the House and talks tennis.

Ed Sullivan Theater Building Engineer George Clarke begins his ""Quest for Corn"" throughout the Midwest. He's off to Illinois.

Dave demonstrates a triple pencil flip; Rupert finds one of Dave's blue cards attached to Mary Tyler Moore's backside; Dave shows old footage of Andy Kaufman dancing with a giant snake.

Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band sits in; Dave offers an audience guy with an unruly beard $300 to shave it; Talent Assistant Zoe Friedham gets a tattoo; Dave gives the newly-shaven man $400.

A ""Dumb Ads"" segment introduces Canadian filling station attendent Dick Assman. The entire North American audience immediately catches ""Dick Assmania."" Later, a monkey in the green room throws fruit, while The Quest for Corn hits Omaha, Nebraska.

Dave calls up Dick Assman; Ray Liotta arrives onstage riding a baby elephant, and later he makes a (bogus) appearance with Paul in the controversial new movie Kids.

Dave and Tony switch places for a few minutes; David Schwimmer is reunited with the monkey who played Marcel on Friends; Dave announces that ""Dick Assmania"" has officially swept the eastern seaboard.

During a segment called ""Ask the Mayor,"" someone from the audience asks Rudy Guiliani, ""Is that a real hair piece?"" Also, a half-awake audience member opens himself to the feminine wiles of Sandra Bullock.

George Clarke's ""Quest for Corn"" finds him in Indianapolis with Dave's mom: 5 ears. Later, Nick Turturro and Dennis Franz stand in the green room with their pants down, while Paul and Bruce Hornsby play ""Chopsticks"" on the keyboard.

Dave gives $100 to an audience member after a monologue joke bombs; the show is interrupted for a ""Dick Assman Update""; father and son audience members Jim and JJ McMichael wave from the top of the Empire State Building.

Dave announces that CBS has just been bought by Westinghouse, then spends the rest of the show joking about it.

Dave chats with Mary Ann Dennis, whose dog stopped a man that tried to mug her.

During ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" a small fish eats a worm whole. Meanwhile, Dave goes into a Westinghouse washer in spin cycle.

The final installment of ""George Clarke's Quest for Corn"" finds our hero at Hello Deli (five ears). Afterwards, George distributes an ear of corn to everyone in the audience.

Dave announces it's ""Christmas in August,"" with Glen Campbell singing a medley of holiday standards at Hello Deli.

Junior Brown sits in with the band; baseball star John Kruk talks about his recent retirement; Dave hectors a man on the street in a game called ""May I Taste Your Dinner, Please?""

The ""Dick Assman Update"" reveals that his popularity has hit fever pitch. Later, Christopher Walken promotes three new movies that are coming out within a month of each other.

Dave shows a ""highlight"" of last night's show: Dan Rather fondling Dave's butt.

In honor of an incident that resulted in a forfeit in the previous night's Dodgers-Cardinals game, audience members throw baseballs at Dave.

All night long, Rupert touches meat and is joined later by Kelsey Grammer, his then-fiancee, and a priest from the audience.

Dave claims that the chairman of Westinghouse has agreed to fight him. Later, Sonny Bono signs to Calvert's upstart record company.

During an interview with Isabella Rosselini, a guy on fire runs around the stage. Later, Bjork and the CBS Orchestra performs ""It's Oh So Quiet.""

Paul is introduced as ""Johnny Lavaggi;"" Dave shows a (doctored) clip of Monica Seles grunting; David Brenner does stand up.

Dave bids a fond farewell to his announcer, while Dick Assman also makes one last appearance.

Dave grills his new announcer, making him do voiceovers throughout the show (including #1 on the top ten list).

Tom Snyder wants everybody to know that he does not hold a grudge with Dave. Meanwhile, Alan Kalter continues to get used to his new surroundings.

Charlton Heston plays ""Dave's Boss"" and bullies him mercilessly. Later, Kevin Pollak promotes ""The Usual Suspects.""

Amongst the ""Items Included in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame:"" Stuff found in ZZ Top's beards, a guitar made of David Crosby's old liver, and Marv Albert's Rock & Roll Bloopers, with Hootie (as in Hootie and the Blowfish) getting hit on the head by a basketball. Meanwhile, in order to prepare for an Olympic diver that will be appearing later, Dave recruits Alan and an audience member to get in a tank.

Wesley Snipes promotes ""Money Train,"" then strips to a dress.

A day after the Emmy Awards, Dave tosses donuts into the audience with the new Donut-A-Pult. Quote Dave: ""Now it's really hard to believe we didn't win an Emmy."" Meanwhile, Biff Henderson recites a passage from the Packwood Diaries.

The Donutapult returns, while Dave brings in a cabbie to write a Top Ten list.

While promoting the movie ""Showgirls,"" star Elizabeth Berkeley gives Dave a lap dance.

Gerard, Rupert, and others discuss what they like about Autumn, while Rush Limbaugh introduces a mini-Donutapult.

During CBS Mailbag, Cyndi Lauper sings ""Lactose Intolerant."" Later, the Donutapult makes one last appearance.

Throughout the show, winners of obscure beauty pageants (including ""Miss Peanut"" and ""Miss South Carolina Tobacco"") walk across the stage and escort tonight's guests.

Dick Assman is still popular in Canada; Newt Gingrich presents the Top Ten list; Thomas Haden Church promotes ""Ned & Stacey""; Dave juggles peaches.

Rudy Guiliani give Dave a key to the city, then takes it back.

Dave gives a three pound ham to an audience member, while ""Friends"" star Courtney Cox launches the ""Donutapult 2000.""

Eddie Jamison (the guy who said ""I Love You, Man!"" in those beer commercials) interrupts the monologue; Doc Severinsen sits in with the band; Mary Tyler Moore accuses Dave of being a brown-noser.

Doc Severinsen is still sitting in; The Delaria Sisters, a group of women who hang by their hair on a pole, demonstrate their skills; Dave chats with a grade-schooler who ran off a burgler.

Dave invites his neighbor Steve over for coffee; Ellen Cleghorne promotes her new sitcom.

13 NYC cab drivers are invited to serve on a mock jury to determine the fate of OJ Simpson. Instead, they're serenaded by Mel Torme.

1995: Uma Thurman joins Geraldo Rivera as the mock jury of cab drivers continues to deliberate, led by foreman Parminder Singh. Dave notes, ""Uma, Parminder; Parminder, Uma.""

Dave introduces ""The Donutapult 2000+,"" which is so big it has to sit out on 53rd Street. Later in the show, it is converted into ""The Melonapult 2000+.""

Amongst the latest ""Back-to-School Items:"" Oreo Cookies with Clearasil Pad Filling, Larry King Ex-Wife Trading Cards, and a Kate Moss Lunchbox. Later, Andy Dick promotes ""Newsradio.""

The cast and crew explains why they're glad the O. J. Simpson trial is over; Julianne Moore promotes ""Safe.""

Pete Fatovich, ""Creepy Dave,"" and Gerard comment on the OJ verdict, while Chazz Palminteri gives an audience member his coat.

Dave's ""younger brother Carl"" sits in on violin; Dave thinks he's on a caffeine buzz.

Dave, Cybill Shepherd, and sports legend Joe Montana throw footballs into cabs on 53rd Street. After repeated attempts, all three find their target at once. Also, Dave announces that tonight's show is in ""actual size.""

Via live remote, Dave asks a customer at a nearby laundromat to take a pair of pants out of the dryer and bring them into the theater for guest Richard Simmons to wear.

Marilyn Horne of the Metropolitan Opera presents the Top Ten; the Rev. Jesse Jackson discusses current events and mentions his son's run for Congress.

During CBS Mailbag, Dave goes sailing with Paul, the models and Bob Denver. Later, William Shatner is beamed out of his seat.

Dave goes to New Jersey to find a date for mailroom employee/superstar extrordinaire Bob Borden. Meanwhile, Paul is missing, so Dave leaves the theater and finds him chatting at a party with Woody Allen.

Dave starts reading the Miranda Rights before realizing he has the wrong index card. He leaves the studio to search for the correct card and finds ""NYPD Blue"" stars Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz reading the Top Ten List to a captured thug.

Throughout the show, The ""Jimmy Letterman Singers"" sing ""Jimmy."" Later in the show, Dave concedes: ""It sucks, it stinks, it blows; it ain't working.""

Throughout this year's World Series, kid reporter Sparky Mortimer has been making reports from the stadiums in Cleveland and Atlanta. Tonight, he lands a quick interview with Braves owner Ted Turner.

During CBS Mailbag, Paul does a Johnny Carson impression. Later, Dave and Michael Rappaport lather up in order to use the CBS spa.

Dave and Paul recruit a guy named Moe from a delicatessen, and the CBS Orchestra puts together a music video about him. Later, Sparky Mortimer runs the bases at Jacobs Field in Cleveland.

Upon returning to NYC, Dave gives Sparky a pat on the back for a job well done; Casey Kasem introduces Wayne Hazeltine and the Pants Across America Tour; Carol Burnett takes off her skirt.

A pumpkin launcher is demonstrated on 53rd Street, while The Pants Across America tour stops at St. Louis.

Casey Kasem and the Pants Across America tour reports from Mount Rushmore, while up and coming actress Claire Danes introduces one of her favorite bands, UB40.

Carol Channing harasses Dave during CBS Mailbag; the tour hits the Grand Canyon.

Tonight on the ""Pants Across America"" tour, Casey Kasem is in Las Vegas, listening to an Elvis impersonator perform ""Burning Love.""

Television City Studios, Day 2: Danny DeVito and Dave get into the stage pool and have a water fight. Meanwhile, Tony Mendez continues his cameo appearances on TV shows; tonight he's seen in clips from ""Friends"" and ""Grace Under Fire.""

From Los Angeles: Alka Seltzer® is inserted into the backdrop pool; Demi Moore presents ""The Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names;"" Green Day performs ""86.""

Red Hot Chili Peppers – ""My Friends""

Biff interrupts Dave's opening remarks and asks for water. Out runs NYC marathon winner German Silva with his drink. Later, Bill Murray cooks toast, and Silver runs by again to pick it up.

Dave uses the speaker phone to get someone to bring him pizza. Later, thirty folks show up with boxes, and slices are handed out to the audience. Also, the United States is in the middle of a government shutdown, so Dave calls the Pentagon, misdials, finally gets an answering machine, and hangs up. A stagehand gives him an ax, cuts the phone cord, and hands the phone to an audience member.

Elton John promotes and sings two songs from his latest album, ""Made In England.""

An audience guy holds cue cards in place of Tony (he's sick), while Sean Penn promotes ""Dead Man Walking.""

The Presidents of the United States of America perform their breakthrough hit, ""Toad.""

Dave sends mailroom dude/budding diva Bob Borden to Washington as a White House correspondent.

Dave asks folks on the street (including a poorly disguised Michael J. Fox) what they think of the federal budget crisis; Bob Borden makes his first report from DC.

Amongst what's ""New for the Holidays"": Gingerbread Rats, Howard Stern's book ""Miss America"" read by James Earl Jones, and Kreskin guessing the weight of turkeys. Also, Bob Borden interrogates Larry King.

Dave gives a turkey to a lady in the audience, then takes a turkey to the balcony with the help of a ladder; throughout the night, celebrities mention what they're thankful for; trapeze artists Helen Turkett and Luke Martin perform.

""Soup Nazi"" Ali ""Al"" Yeganeh passes out turkey chili to the audience.

In a sign of future legal trouble, Microsoft owner and multibillionaire Bill Gates tries to fix the Late Show Quiz Machine after it gets stuck displaying the answer ""Windows '95"" in all three boxes. Also, Bob Borden tries with little success to deliver a turkey to President Clinton.

Dave has Paul sit down on the guest chair because it's his birthday. Soon afterwards, the outside cam reveals Dave buying Paul a birthday present from a girl on the street.

Cold Opening: Dave and Creepy Dave go mano a mano in the green room. Also, Dave demonstrates one of the ""Top Ten Changes Westinghouse is Planning for CBS Tonight"" -- he doodles the CBS logo on blank coffee mugs for tonight's guests.

Steve Martin shows up a day early, and Dave can't get him offstage.

After showing a clip from his new movie Father of the Bride, Part 2 on a 16mm film projector, Steve Martin and Dave appear in ""The Making of Steve Martin's Appearance Documentary.""

As a tribute to such beloved recurring segments such as ""The Man Under the Seats"" and ""The Fugitive Guy,"" Chris Elliott stars in a short-lived skit ""Cable Pulling Guy;"" Martin Short helps ""baking madwoman"" Bev Tanner make a cake.

After a video montage of the annual eggnog drinking from increasingly larger bowls, Dave and a model hop into a gigantic bowl of the liquid, later joined by Biff and the Goo Goo Dolls.

CBS President Les Moonves (bogus) takes a moment to comment on Clinton's State of the Union address by singing ""Holding Out for a Hero."" Also, pre-teen sports reporter Sparky Mortimer returns to the show and is given a new assignment- to cover Super Bowl XXX.

Sparky Mortimer makes another amusing -- albeit clumsy -- Super Bowl report; Dave chats with basketball star Reggie Miller.

Dave offers Liz Taylor a riding mower if she'll come on the show; clips from the HBO movie The Late Shift, which Dave calls ""satire;"" The Ramones perform ""She Talks to Rainbows.""

In mock tribute to HBO's ""The Late Shift,"" Dave throws baseballs at an archery target.

Dave mentions that in between show tapings, an audience guy named Anthony sang ""My Way"" from the balcony. During the taping of this episode, however, Dave invites him to sing it onstage. Also, Dave goes over to Black Rock Bar & Grill to swipe a beverage from Dan Rather.

Dave stoically mentions that this will be the last night for the current set, and that it will be remodeled during the NCAA Tournament coverage. To commemorate this, at the end of the show, a couple dozen audience members file by the desk to touch Dave.

As the Ed Sullivan Theater is being renovated, Dave hosts his show from the lobby with only 60 folding chairs set up for the audience. Fire Commissioner Howard Safir oversees the proceedings, while guests Barbara Walters and Halle Berry make their entrances through the theater debris. Dave tells Ray Charles, ""I don't know how to break it to you, but you're in the lobby."" Also, a man-on-the-street segment finds that most New Yorkers are apathetic towards the new set.

After a week of construction, the show's new ""Bridge"" set is unveiled. Dave quickly mentions that he ordered it from a catalog. Martha Stewart honors the occasion by hammering in the last nail. Later, she's seen sanding backstage and, still later, operating a blowtorch.

Dave has an extra joke in the monologue, so he and Tony take it over to Conan O'Brien at NBC. Meanwhile, George Foreman breaks a pinata at Hello Deli, in celebration of the unveiling of Rupert's new ""set.""

Mailbag: Dave goes over to Yankee Stadium and steals home plate. Also, Dave chats with ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson), the president of the New Set Fan Club, and No Doubt performs ""Spiderwebs.""

Dana Carvey drops by and receives a piece of the set; The Usual Suspects star Kevin Spacey presents the Top Ten live via satellite; Alan Kalter stars in the new midseason replacement sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator.""

Dave tricks young Oscar® winner Anna Paquin into getting in a magician's box, claiming he was going to show her a trick. Once he had her locked in, he took off her shoes and tickled her feet!Also, Dave challenges Millionaire Basketball Winner Tom Gates: if he makes his shot onstage, Dave will give him $10,000; if he doesn't, he has to host the show. He misses. So does a very un-athletic Mary Tyler Moore. But Paquin hits, and Dave gives her the $10,000 cash.

After Dave promises that the Quiz Machine will never be seen on the show again, he brings out the ""Flagstar 3000,"" a cheap cardboard facade.

Anna Paquin returns to the show two days after the basketball challenge and donates her cash prize to charity. Also, Dave temporarily moves his show to public access, and Laurie Diamond persuades him to return to CBS.

CBS Mailbag: the Quiz Machine is destroyed (at last!) by a cab, while Tony Randall hides under Dave's desk to protect himself from the government.

Dave shows a clip of Marshall Sylver's infomercial, and throughout the night Dave attempts to hypnotize members of the staff. After Dave accidentally puts Biff in a daze, he calls up Sylver to figure out what to do with his entranced stage manager.

After miraculously surviving its attempted demise the previous week, the Quiz Machine is finally destroyed once and for all. Also, ten ballerinas present the Top Ten.

Dave begins a new contest: The town that sends the most valuable gifts will be the new Top Ten Home Office. Two huge glass tanks are displayed onstage, each for the two towns in competition. Tonight, Wahoo, Nebraska (the challenger) sends enchiladas, while Grand Rapids (the incumbent) sends a fax from the Governor of Michigan. Not a good start for Grand Rapids. Also, the outside cam visits Sullivan's Bar & Grill next door, and their bartender comes in the theater to pose for a Polaroid picture.

The Home Office Competition continues: Added to Wahoo's tank is a pizza, a T-shirt, and a birdhouse, while Grand Rapids adds a garment bag; Dave shows another episode of Alan Kalter's mini-sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator""; Luciano Pavarotti and Michael Bolton sing ""Nessun Dorma.""

Dave appears on the Times Square Jumbotron demanding presents; Dave and Fred Nigro go to Jersey to help with taxes, during which Dave recruits a citizen to stand in for him during an audit; Dave plugs his mother's recently-published cookbook.

An audience member assists in the debut of the Slatstar 2000, while Brett Butler presents the Top Ten.

Mia Farrow reveals that she's addicted to the internet. Carly Simon drops by in mid-interview, and later, both sit in with the CBS Orchestra, with Mia on tambourine and Carly on cowbell.

Dave holds an impromptu auction, while Marshall Sylver hypnotizes more Late Show staffers.

Wahoo vs. Grand Rapids, Day 9: Wahoo sends two kids, Jeff and Josh Price, to sit in their glass tank. Grand Rapids loses further ground by sending several non-living items. Also, Alan does various random things throughout the night, including reading his turkey pot pie recipe, speaking in a bad French accent, ripping his shirt open, and holding his breath through a commercial break.

In honor of the recent Sotheby's Auction that featured items once owned by John F. Kennedy, Biff comes stage on Jackie O's (alleged) riding lawnmower; in a pre-taped segment, Dave interviews CBS job applicants, during which he pressures college sophomore Todd Stevens to sing; Nathan Lane appears to show Todd how it's done; Dave leaves the show to have some coffee with a guy named Kenny.

Dorothy drops by to promote the cookbook that Dave's been plugging for the last two weeks, and she cooks him his favorite sandwich.

At the end of the monologue, a guy dressed up as an Olympic runner bolts across the stage, and later he paces around the backdrop. Also, comedian Anthony Clark promotes his new sitcom Boston Common.

Tonight's ""What's On Other Channels"" segment includes ""Condom Testing,"" ""The Mexican Navy's New Battleship,"" and ""Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson Video.""

Pat Farmer interrupts the monologue by walking in front of the camera; Marv Albert provides color commentary on tonight's CBS Mailbag; two guys spray each other with fuel at a gas station in Queens.

The Home Office Contest is over: Wahoo is now the official home office of the Top Ten List, decimating Grand Rapids from the get-go. Also, Everclear performs ""Heartspark Dollarsign.""

The Late Show begins a week in San Francisco as Mayor Willie Brown interrupts the show throughout the hour by offering Dave the key to the city, a loaf of sourdough bread, and a stick he found in his yard. Also, Paul composes a music video for cable car operator Luis ""Guido"" Montano, with cameos by Los Lobos, Carly Simon, Hootie & the Blowfish and Celine Dion.

Frisco, Day 2: Dave gives a bouquet to a 95-year-old lady in the audience; Dave and football great Joe Montana tour the city, where they end up getting ""friendly"" in Alcatraz; Dave checks on the theater in NYC, and finds Clint Eastwood imitating Dave at his desk.

Frisco, Day 3: Sheila E. and Pete Escovido sit in; Dave shows off the 49ers shower curtain he has in the dressing room; Dave orders Rupert to harass people on the street; Dave invites a shaggy-looking guy in the audience (a professor at Stanford, no less) to take a shower during the show.

From San Francisco: Three audience members receive free hams and souvenir cue cards; Joe Satriani sits in; Dave tells the seals at Fisherman's Wharf to shut up; the San Francisco Giants present the Top Ten; basketballs and melons are rolled down Fillburn Street, the steepest in the city.

Frisco, Day 5: The Alcatraz mock-up in the backdrop is subject to a jailbreak; Dave hangs out with a local hippie, thus introducing the world (not to mention fleeting fame) to one Manny Papp; Dave loses a blue card, and then finds it inside a crab at Fisherman's Wharf; Manny meets his hero, John Popper of Blues Traveler.

Dave quizzes the audience on his week in San Francisco, during which Gene Siskel runs onstage looking for Roger Ebert. Later in the show, he gives up on his search, then relaunches his film review program as ""Siskel and DeForest."" Also, Natalie Merchant sings ""Jealousy.""

Manny the Hippie gives his first live remote from San Francisco, as Dave asks him to give periodic reviews on current movies. Tonight, he reviews Twister, which he personally didn't care for.

Junior Brown sits in, and Dave tries on his very unique hat. Also, a guy dressed up as Ronald McDonald gives Dave the Top Ten, and later he is found lying dead in the street.

During Mailbag, Tony sits in for Dave while Dave sits in for Alan saying ""letter number two,"" which leads into a question about lawn care; comedian Harry Hill tells jokes about Cher, The A-Team, and his grandmother's funeral; Spin Doctors perform ""She Used to Be Mine.""

For no apparent reason, Dave orders Tony to take a taxi; Manny the Hippie presents the Top Ten; a dentist checks out a weird whistling noise coming out of Dave's mouth when he speaks.

Two audience guys go outside to monitor the temperature, and given their meteorological expertise, are ordered to stand next to a giant thermometer.

It's time for a new game called ""May We Turn Your Pants into Shorts?"" Dave is the first to mutilate his slacks, and is followed by Paul, Biff, John Goodman, and Norm MacDonald, who was already wearing shorts.

Dave shows a clip of his favorite moment from last night's show: Biff doing a quadruple take upon seeing Dave's slacks getting cut at the knee; Dave's contact lens fall out, so he wears his glasses for half the show; Brett Butler performs a Stupid Human Trick.

Dave's jacket is stain by coffee, so he throws it into the balcony; an ""unknown guest"" crashes the show; Leslie Nielsen promotes Spy Hard.

Dave and Conan O'Brien get ""Bob Dole Is Old"" jokes from the joke storeroom in the basement of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Also, Dave invites several staffers (including then-intern Stephanie Birkett) to discuss their dreams at a local steakhouse.

Live via satellite in San Francisco, Manny the Hippie reviews the film ""Spy Hard"": ""It's schwiggity schwag!"" Also, ""She Loves Me"" week begins with Martin Short, who performs this song, hanging on to the last note while leaving the theater, grabbing a soda at the Hello Deli, getting a massage, and returning to the theater wearing a terrycloth robe.

Dave invites customers from the Roy Rogers restaurant across the street into the theater to be checked for ticks; Dr. Sam Merrick declares them tick-free. Also, Day 2 of ""She Loves Me,"" tonight performed by Nathan Lane. Like Martin Short the previous night, Nate holds the last note, goes out to Hello Deli for a soda, then to a massage, and back inside the theater with a robe.

Diana Ross performs a variation of the song ""She Loves Me"" called ""He Loves Me,"" and while holding the final note, buys a soda at Hello Deli, gets a massage at a nearby spa, and walks back inside the theater wearing a white robe.

Dave tells a mean fat joke about Roger Ebert, and shortly afterwards the film critic calls Dave a bastard; four singers present the First Annual Late Show Salute to the Word ""Ass""; on Day 4 of ""She Loves Me"" week, Matthew Broderick performs a certain 1950's pop standard, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at the Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the note.

The final day of celebrity ""She Loves Me"" performances takes place when Rosie O'Donnell sings, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the same note. Dave follows this flawless presentation with a week-long retrospective.

Biff attempts to learn how to fly; actor/soccer fanatic Andrew Shue introduces footage of him, Elizabeth Shue, and John Shue playing a pick-up game of his sport of choice.

In a piece of videotape footage that ""will disturb and shock you,"" Dave introduces clips of Bill Clinton singing ""Mustang Sally"" and Boris Yeltsin dancing.

Dave fools around with a hot glue gun, while up-and-coming actress Liv Tyler (daughter of Bebe Buell and Steven Tyler) promotes Stealing Beauty.

Kenny Wayne Shepherd sits in; Dave points out that one of tonight's ""CBS Mailbag"" letter-writers is in the audience; during Mailbag, ""Ronald McDonald"" (Leonard) verbally abuses Dave.

Dave bids farewell to one of his longtime staffers; Kelsey Grammer promotes ""Down Periscope""; Manny reviews The Cable Guy: ""Dank.""

Remote: Dave works the drive-thru at a Taco Bell in Jersey. Later, he chats with Lucille Treganowan, 66-year-old grandmother/hot rod guru. (correct synopsis)

Some guy carrying the Olympic torch comes through to interrupt the monologue. Also, Dave recalls a fake Father's Day memory when his son ""Jimmy"" gave him an ashtray. Paul doubts the story, forcing Dave to recall his ""real"" video memory: ""Jimmy"" arriving with pizza. (correct synopsis)

Biff recruits an audience member to get splashed in the face by a speeding taxi going over a puddle. Also, CBS head honcho ""Les Moonves"" discusses the CBS fall lineup, then sings Harry Chapin's ""Cat in the Cradle.""

In response to a CBS Mailbag letter that noticed a likeness between Inky Mendez and Steven Speilberg, Martin Scorsese is seen impersonating Anton Fig.

Dave shows off a tick that has embedded itself into his suit, then shows more footage of him at Taco Bell. (correct synopsis)

Jerry Van Dyke rides onstage on a mule; Luke Perry gives Dave his sideburns; The Fugees perform ""Fu-Gee-La.""

Manny the Hippie reviews Striptease: ""Schwag."" Also, Creepy Dave drops by to ask Michael Keaton about human cloning.

Dave airs his first new July 3rd show since his morning show in 1980. During the ""Rejected FDA Products"" segment, Dave introduces ""Sherwin-Williams Fettucine in Paint."" Later, Jeff Goldblum promotes ""Independence Day"" as Rupert searches the sky for UFOs.

Mujibur and Sirajul stand on the roof, waiting for the fireworks in broad daylight; during Mailbag, ""Neil Diamond"" (Calvert) rouses the crowd with a smokin' rendition of ""America;"" two audience members take an American flag to the Empire State Building; The Brian Setzer Orchestra performs ""Town Without Pity.""

Dave switches places with an audience woman, and later she sits in with the band; Elaine Stritch storms onstage and chews out Dave; Randy Quaid promotes Independence Day.

Dave points out that Paul is the co-musical director for the Olympic closing ceremonies; Biff keeps interrupting Dave; Dave chats with Joanne Ussery, a woman who lives in a renovated Boeing 727.

Manny the Hippie talks about his trip to Roswell, New Mexico, while The Charlie Watts Quintet (featuring Bernard Fowler) performs ""In a Sentimental Mood.""

Dave shows a semi-embarrassing clip of Meg Ryan from her days on ""As The World Turns,"" featuring a ""young"" Paul Shaffer and Will Lee.

Dave tries to find the owner of car whose license plates read ""SO HAPPY,"" and later he shows footage of a Wheel of Fortune contestant screwing up the answer to a puzzle: ""Paul Shatner!""

Dave continues to gloat over the Late Show's (alleged) title as Official Talk Show of the Summer Olympics, with abortive sports commentary by Anton; Laurence Fishburne promotes Fled.

Country legend Marty Stuart sits in, while a disgruntled alien (Gerard) comments on inaccuracies in the movie Independence Day.

Dave discusses in length the show's embarrassment of Emmy riches this year (four nominations); the ""CBS Mailbag"" presents Dave's 10,000th ""Bob Dole is old"" joke; Dave receives another discouraging visit from Fan Club president ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson).

Leonard ""The Ronald McDonald Guy"" Tepper joins Rupert for another one of his hidden-mike remotes with Dave. Later, Jackie Joyner-Kersee promotes her new fitness book and upcoming appearance at the Atlanta Games.

Dave welcomes the Gold Medal-winning U.S. Olympic Girl's Gymnastics Team (minus the injured Kerri Strug); during a ""New Products"" segment, Pat Farmer models a t-shirt made from venetian blinds.

Dave announces that the Late Show has its own version of ""The Real World,"" with Paul, Anton and Pat Farmer whining about their personal problems.

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Secret Service Agents dance the Macarena; Dennis Miller promotes his new HBO talk show; Butthole Surfers perform ""Pepper.""

Dave brings up three girls from the audience, confiscates their gum, and sends them out to goof off in a nearby fountain; the Sex Pistols perform ""Pretty Vacant.""

Dave chats with Yankees pitcher Dwight ""Doc"" Gooden, who threw a no-hitter the night before.

Dave gives a ham to a man in the audience who correctly guessed his weight (158 lbs).

Dave gives a ham to an audience member named Bud Perchinski, who later assumes control of one of the cameras. Later, Flea (from Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Jewel Kilcher perform a duet.

Adam Sandler promotes Happy Gilmore; Yankees pitcher David Cone demonstrates ball-handling techniques.

It's the unofficial Three-Year Anniversary. (The count is 90 morning shows, 1810 Late Nights, and 654 Late Shows.) Dave shows some of his favorite clips, then goes door-to-door in New Jersey with Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert and Richard Simmons.

Dave scrambles to find something to fill the extra 16 minutes of his commerical-free show.

Sanborn's still sitting in; Paul appears in a Bob Dole campaign ad; Tom Hanks promotes ""That Thing You Do!""

It's Biff's 50th birthday, so Dave promotes his new PBS political roundtable chatfest, ""The Henderson Group."" Tonight's panelists: Biff, Dave, Paul, and ""outspoken liberal"" Pat Farmer.

Calvert plays Bob Dole's go-between; The Dave Matthews Band performs ""Crash Into Me.""

Referring to a current TV Guide that pays tribute to Dave's Suit of Alka Seltzer from his NBC days, Rupert Jee stands in a bowl of clam chowder.

1996: Dave shows a tape of Bob Dole blinking in the first presidential debate; Michael J. Fox gets a car for high school graduation (he didn't officially graduate until that Spring); the Kinks' Ray Davies performs ""To the Bone.""

Clint Black sits in; the roof cam reveals campaign workers scuffling outside.

Dave searches for a new anchor for CBS-2 New York, and decides on a girl named Donna Hill. She makes several (bogus) news reports throughout the night.

1996: Three audience girls are given hams; Dave shows a (supposed) clip from tonight's Vice Presidential debate; Dave and Marv Albert point out another audience member who happens to be wearing a neckbrace.

During CBS Mailbag, Calvert appears as ""Derek the Cantankerous Wallaby""; guest George Foreman pulls a truck.

Cindy Crawford walks onstage with heavy eye makeup, and Dave asks where she got her black eyes.

Dave shows a poster that proves that Bob Dole's presidential campaign is doomed: ""For The Love of God, Don't Vote for Tubby."" Also, Calvert reports from the Game 1 of the Braves-Yankees World Series, during which he hugs the mayor of Atlanta.