Teachers

It’s a new term. Simon mistakes new languages tutor J.P. for a sixth former, and buxom newcomer Penny receives a lot of attention from the men. Recently divorced Susan turns on the charms with J.P.

Carol continues to pursue Kurt, even though he insists their relationship is over and tries to convince her that Penny is his new girlfriend. Meanwhile, Bob tells Simon he hasn’t had sex for 23 years.

Jenny’s house-shaking romping with her new boyfriend Alec is driving Susan crazy, so she agrees to get a flat with Simon. And then Brian and Kurt convince Simon that he fancies her.

When J.P. comes out to the rest of the teachers, Simon, Kurt and Susan begin a campaign of wind-ups against Brian. But with J.P.’s help, Brian finds a way to get his own back.

Susan drags the others over to the house to prove how annoying Jenny’s boyfriend is. Brian and Kurt are confused when J.P. spends the night with a girl.

A delusional Bob manages to convince himself that Penny fancies him. This spurs him into undergoing a ridiculous fitness regime, which soon results in total collapse. Is this the end of Bob?

When a former student brings her baby into school to illustrate the hardships of motherhood, Susan ends up desperate for a child of her own. She doesn’t need a father, just good genetic material.

Jenny decides it’s time to finish with Alec; she just needs to work out how. Meanwhile, Simon shocks everyone by announcing he’s going to quit his job and fly to South America—on Saturday.

Having split up with Alec, Jenny’s going through a hedonistic phase—much to Brian and Kurt’s delight as she keeps buying all the drinks.

Penny takes a shine to Simon’s replacement Matt because he’s the only person who talks to her. And Kurt wonders if he made a mistake splitting up with Carol.

A new term and a new teacher, in the (rather large) shape of Lindsay. She can outdrink the boys, and Brian in particular thinks she’s brilliant, until Kurt convinces him that she fancies him.

Penny’s self-obsession and self-pity have reached such dizzying new heights that she’s driving everyone insane. Bored to tears with her moaning, Lindsay finally cracks.

Kurt thinks his luck with the ladies is changing. At parents’ evening he meets a woman he reckons he has a good chance of pulling. As usual, however, his judgement in these matters isn’t perfect.

Bobs wife throws him out of the house and moves her boyfriend in. For the first time, Liz takes pity on this dishevelled wreck. But a combination of pity and alcohol can have surprising results.

Lindsay is about to turn 30, which is fine, until everyone points out that 30 is very old. What’s the best way to handle being 30? Grow old with grace and start acting your age, or the exact opposite?

Half the staff are off with stress, leaving the other half even more stressed. In a desperate bid to relieve the pressure, Clare assigns them all a stress partner, which proves very stressful.

There’s something disturbing in the air. A stranger, with a sinister beard, is lurking by the perimeter fence. But it turns out that he’s not so strange after all.

The English department are left without a head when Bob is taken in for emergency surgery, and Clare decides that, whether he likes it or not, Matt is the ideal choice to act as Bobs replacement.

The teachers are depressed that none of them is in a functional relationship, until Liz points out that Brian and Kurt are as good as married. But Brian thinks that Kurt is taking advantage of him.

Students and parents have been complaining about Lindsay, and she’s ended up with a formal warning. So she’s going to transform herself into ‘super-teacher’, with help from an unlikely guru: Bob.

Brians obsessed with Eileen—the only good-looking dinner lady in the world—and when Bob starts complaining loudly about the canteen food, Brian has to stand up for his dream woman.

When Brian and Kurt race each other to school, Kurt’s desire to win results in injury. Brian’s attempts to administer first aid only serve to make things worse and Kurt ends up in a wheelchair.

Love, lust, and general weirdness are in the air. Penny’s started a new romance, Clare’s getting frisky, and in a drunken moment Matt and Lindsay find themselves snogging.

Summerdown has merged with another school and it’s all change for the teachers. Bob is struggling to adjust: he’s been demoted, and his new boss seems to be a hit with the women.

Penny makes a pass at Ewan, but it all ends in humiliation. Meanwhile, Ben is ordered to babysit some pensioners who are visiting the school which forces him to confront his own prejudices.

Ewan is thrown into turmoil when he finds out that a pupil, John, fancies him. All his attempts to handle the situation sensitively backfire horribly.

It is Obesity Awareness Month and Ben becomes obsessed with Lindsay’s weight. It’s purely selfish, of course; he’s worried her death would be bad for his own stress levels.

It’s Religious Tolerance Week and the teachers prepare to represent their allocated religions at the Tolerance Fair. Meanwhile, Bob finally takes delivery of his new wife.

After discovering Penny’s real surname is Eichmann, the others take pleasure in winding her up. She’s blonde, she hates foreign food, she has no black friends—could she be a racist?

No sooner has Damien announced that he doesn’t need a girlfriend, than he falls for the substitute teacher Anna. But an unfortunate incident with a pupil and an icing bag has rendered him impotent.

While trying to get out of Bob’s stag do, Ben is reminded of a ouija board prediction: he’s going to die on Friday. Then he sees a miracle. So God must exist, and there’s an afterlife to contend with.

The school is trashed after the Christmas party, the teachers are hungover, Bob is getting married in the playground—and the Ofsted Inspector is due. Happy Christmas, everyone!